In many conversations I have with people, one of the most common phrases I hear is:
“If only…”
If only I hadn’t started that relationship.
If only I hadn’t chosen that job.
If only I hadn’t spoken that way that day.
The phrase “if only” is like an anchor the mind throws into the past. The deeper we drop that anchor, the harder it becomes to move forward. Yet life is not a road to be driven by looking in the rear-view mirror. The rear window is small; the front windscreen is wide. Because life flows forward.
As a psychological counsellor, I can clearly say this: thinking about the past is not the problem. Staying stuck in it gradually erodes our mental well-being.
I often compare life to a journey. Each of us carries a suitcase. Inside it are childhood memories, failures, disappointments, regrets, and words left unsaid.
The issue is not carrying the suitcase. The issue is continuing to carry it without ever opening it, organising it, or letting go of unnecessary weight.
I remember a client who spoke for years about not getting into the university programme they wanted. That one event overshadowed all the achievements that followed. I asked them:
“If you have a pen in your hand today, what would you like to write on the next page?”
They paused. For the first time, they were not thinking about the past, but about what comes next.
Healing begins exactly here:
When we move from the question
“Why did this happen?”
to
“What can I do from here?”
Choosing to Be Like a River
Let us think of life as a river. A river does not hit a rock and turn back. It either wears it down or flows around it—but it always keeps moving.
We often focus on the rock.
But the strength of the river lies in its ability to keep flowing.
Disappointments, breakups, financial losses, wrong decisions… these are the rocks of life. But rocks do not determine the direction of the river—the flow does.
And flow begins now.
Returning to the Present: Lightening the Past with Mindfulness
Getting stuck in the past is often a mental habit. The mind either travels to the past or jumps into the future. Yet peace exists in the present moment. This is where mindfulness comes in.
Here are a few simple techniques often used with clients:
1. The 3-Minute Breathing Space
Close your eyes.
Focus only on your breath.
Notice the air passing through your nose as you inhale.
Feel the release in your chest as you exhale.
If thoughts arise, do not chase them. Simply label them as “thought” and return to your breath.
This small exercise helps bring the mind back from the past into the present, because the breath is always in the now.
2. The 5-4-3-2-1 Technique
When past thoughts overwhelm you, return to your surroundings:
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
This technique gently anchors the mind in the present.
3. Compassionate Self-Talk
When thinking about past mistakes, say to yourself:
“I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”
This is not denial. It is choosing to treat yourself with humanity.
The Past Is a Teacher, Not a Prison
Remember, the past gives lessons—it does not deliver punishment.
We become our own judge and imprison ourselves.
Making a mistake does not make you a “mistake.”
A relationship ending does not mean you are “unworthy of love.”
Failing an exam does not make you “inadequate.”
No event defines who you are. They are simply experiences.
What Can I Do From Here?
Perhaps you cannot change everything today. But you can take a small step:
Make a phone call.
Complete that unfinished application.
Go for a 10-minute walk.
Offer an apology or express gratitude.
Small steps are the beginning of big changes in direction.
Final Words
Life cannot be lived looking backwards.
But it can be lived by thanking the past, learning from it, and freeing yourself.
Today, open the suitcase on your back. Let go of what you no longer need. Show yourself compassion. Breathe. Return to the present.
And ask yourself:
“What kind of life do I want to create from here?”
Remember:
Yesterday is a story.
Tomorrow is a possibility.
But today is your pen.
May you hold it with hope, courage, and belief.
May your path be open and your heart light. 🌿
